la douleur exquise
by jeepsarmitage
Summary: (n.) the heart wrenching pain of wanting someone you can't have, and know that you'll still try to be with them regardless or: aromantic!beca AU because i hate myself, clearly


**la douleur exquise**

.

 _"it's hard to wait for something you know might never happen; but it's even harder to give up knowing it's everything you want."_

\- Anonymous

/

To Chloe, Beca Mitchell is an enigma that she cannot seem to unravel.

It's not for a lack of trying, because from the moment she interrupts Beca's shower she begins to dedicate far too many hours of her life trying to break down the walls that Beca has built up around herself. And while Chloe can acknowledge that Beca has built the walls up pretty darn high, she likes to think that she can potentially be the one to burst through them; to get through to Beca after years of the woman intentionally alienating herself from the world.

There's only so much time one can dedicate to such a task before it begins to get draining, however. And while Chloe doesn't like to think that she's a quitter, because she isn't – she actively works towards being the exact opposite, in fact – there's something about Beca Mitchell that makes her wonder if _anyone_ will be able to break down those walls. It's almost as though Beca has alienated herself to the point where she was, for all intents and purposes, invisible.

No one seems at all interested in getting to know her, and Beca doesn't seem even a little fazed by this. She simply floats her way through her life, headphones firmly in place over her ears, as she pays little to no attention to the people around her.

Not that they give her much; the most attention anyone seems to pay Beca is the efforts of the other radio station intern. Jesse, Chloe recalls his name as being. But even he can't seem to get more than the occasional sarcastic remark out of Beca and after a while he seems to give up, letting her continue about her daily routine without so much as a spared look in her direction.

It's sort of sad, Chloe thinks, but Beca doesn't appear to mind. She seems happy, in her own way, and part of Chloe thinks that maybe she shouldn't try and get past Beca's rough fortress, because maybe Beca is one of those people that fare better on their own.

That's something Chloe has never been able to understand, having always been one of those people that always have people around them and are always talking and laughing and smiling. Throughout her high school years she was invited to every party and she had a solid group of friends that she saw outside of school on a regular basis. Beca didn't seem to be like that, and it baffles Chloe even more because she can't understand how someone can be so happy while also appearing so lonely.

That's the thing though, isn't it? Beca _appears_ lonely. But just because she appears lonely to everyone doesn't necessarily mean she is. For all she knows, Beca could be perfectly content by herself, and Chloe barging in and knocking down her walls could potentially erase any chance that Chloe has of ever forming any close relationship with Beca Mitchell.

So she waits, and she takes her time; slowly inserting herself into places that Beca is in, making small attempts to see if Beca Mitchell would willingly bring her beyond the outside wall of the small fortress she inhabits. The progress is slow. Of course it is. Beca isn't the most outgoing of people and the first few times Chloe tries to start a conversation outside of Bellas practice she is rewarded with obscure looks and silent frowns.

It's worth it though, because bit-by-bit Beca begins to let her in. And even though she's still an enigma to Chloe, existing in her own small corner of the world, Chloe starts to think that maybe Beca Mitchell will be the best thing to ever happen to her.

/

It happens in three stages that Chloe can pinpoint, her falling in love with Beca Mitchell. The funny thing is that Chloe doesn't realise it's happened until it's far too late.

Hindsight is a bitch like that.

/

The first stage is when Beca asks her if she wants to get coffee, and it throws her so off kilter that she stumbles and then trips. Beca catches her, reaching out to grab Chloe's arm and pulls her into an odd hold where Chloe is suspended in the air with Beca's arm wrapped around her waist while she other hand is still firmly wrapped around Chloe's wrist. When Beca asks her if she's okay, she has this small frown on her face and honestly, all Chloe can do is stare and stutter out a few choice vowel sounds.

"Dude, are you okay? Do I need to take you to like, the ER or something?"

Chloe shakes her head, both in answer to Beca's question and to clear her thoughts before she pulls herself upright and smiles, smoothing out the non-existent wrinkles in her dress. "No I'm okay," she nods, and Beca looks at her sceptically before nodding slowly.

"Okay so…coffee?"

Chloe nods, curls bouncing around her cheeks and Beca almost smiles as she leads Chloe to the one coffee shop on campus that didn't totally suck.

/

The second stage comes three weeks later, when Chloe asks Beca to show her some of her mixes. It's sometime after the whole "jail" incident, and even though it isn't the first time Chloe has asked, it's certainly the first time that Beca agrees. She gives Chloe a quick nod and tells her to meet her at her dorm after her shift at the station, and honestly the short interaction gives Chloe a high that makes her smile even more than usual and has people coming up to her and asking if she's okay.

"I'm fine," she sighs, when Aubrey asks her for the third time in the span of twenty minutes, "I'm just happy."

Aubrey doesn't seem to believe her, but she lets it go for the moment at least, but warns Chloe to be careful around Beca because she still doesn't completely trust her. Which, in Chloe's personal opinion, is completely ridiculous because Beca hasn't given Aubrey any reason to not trust her. But Aubrey is, well, _Aubrey_ , and Chloe is honestly tired of arguing with her on the subject. So she lets it go with a curt nod and a cheerful, "I will!" which Aubrey doesn't reply to in any shape or form.

Not that Chloe is expecting any sort of reply, because she knows that Aubrey has maxed out her "talk in class" quota for the month at least, but it still would have been nice.

They go their separate ways after that class, and meet again briefly as Chloe is leaving their shared apartment and Aubrey is walking in. They don't talk then, because Chloe is honestly in a rush and Aubrey doesn't want to bring up Beca Mitchell again because she's in a good mood and doesn't want it soured by thoughts of the midget. She does give Chloe a small smile though, which causes Chloe to beam back at her before she skips down the hallway in the direction of the exit.

Beca is waiting for her outside her dorm.

That surprises Chloe, because Beca hadn't struck her as a chivalrous type. But then again there are a lot of things about Beca that Chloe doesn't know yet, so she tucks this particular piece of information away and greets Beca with a quick hug that Beca awkwardly reciprocates.

"Hey!"

"Uh, hey." Beca smiles shyly, looking everywhere but directly at Chloe. "Um, we should…" she gestures at the door, and Chloe nods quickly which Beca returns before turning and unlocking the door, holding it open for Chloe to enter.

"You can sit wherever." Beca doesn't look at her as she speaks, and Chloe follows her movements with her eyes as she takes a seat on Beca's bed. She hasn't spent a whole lot of time in the room, having only been inside it twice in the whole time she has known Beca, but it hasn't changed much, and so she skips over looking around the room and instead she watches as Beca fiddles around with equipment Chloe wouldn't know how to operate even if someone was directing her.

It's enticing to see the way Beca's demeanour changes as she operates the equipment. Her whole body relaxes, and her fingers drift over the knobs and dials in a confident dance of fluid motion that makes Chloe's heart jump for reasons she cannot pinpoint.

And then there's music, and honestly Chloe is surprised she doesn't pass out. The way the beats roll together and seemed to flow so seamlessly into each other make her breath catch in her throat and her skin prickles as the sound awakens something that had been laying dormant under her skin for who knows how long.

Music has always been something that Chloe holds very close to her heart, but music created by Beca Mitchell is something else entirely, and when the sounds fade out she is left sitting in silence, the echoes of the Beca's music still pumping through her veins. She doesn't realise she hasn't said anything until Beca is laughing nervously, stuttering out some form of, "it isn't finished yet," and Chloe finds herself staring at the women in awe.

It isn't often that Chloe finds herself speechless, but in this moment she honestly can't string two words together so instead she does the one thing she can do.

She speaks with her body.

Because honestly, the only way to accurately tell Beca exactly what her music has done to her is pour all the emotions the sounds had created into a kiss.

And she does just that, biting at Beca's lower lip and clawing at Beca's hair, moaning slight when Beca's fingertips ghost over the skin at her hips, pulling her closer until Chloe is straddling her lap. When she pulls back, breath coming out in short puffs that make her chest rise and fall heavily and her brain goes fuzzy, she smiles at the dazed look on Beca's face.

"So uh, you liked it then?"

Beca swallows and Chloe laughs, nodding quickly.

"Oh, yeah." She smiles again, leaning in to whisper in Beca's ear. "I might have found my new lady jam."

The way Beca's grip on her hip tightens makes Chloe laugh again, before capturing Beca's lips again.

/

The third stage happens when she's lying on her bed, watching as Beca picks up her discarded clothes that Chloe had thrown around the room.

"You don't have to leave," she says, and Beca turns to look at her. She smiles, and reaches out a finger to beckon Beca back, causing the other woman to roll her eyes. She crawls over the Chloe anyway, smirking as she pins Chloe's arms above her head and leans down to capture Chloe's lips.

"I have to go," she says when she pulls back, and Chloe frowns, watching Beca push herself back off the bed and continue to get dressed.

"Why, though?"

Beca doesn't look at her as she pulls her jeans back on, doing up the button before reaching down to pick up her bra.

"It's not our thing."

"But it could be." Chloe sits up, holding the sheet to her chest and watching as Beca looks around in search of her shirt. "We could make it our thing."

She bites her lip when Beca shakes her head. "Maybe I phrased that the wrong way." She turns to look at Chloe again, and frowns at the expression on the redhead's face. "It's not _my_ thing."

"So what, I'm just a booty call? Someone you want when it's convenient for you? Thanks, Beca."

Beca's eyes widen and she crawls onto the bed again, pushing Chloe down before sitting on her hips. Chloe huffs, folding her arms over her chest and looking off to the side to avoid meeting Beca's gaze.

"I didn't mean it like that." Beca trails a finger down Chloe's jawline and gently turning Chloe's face back towards her. "This," she gestures between the two of them, **_"_** doesn't mean nothing to me. It means quite a lot, actually. You've gotten under my skin."

Chloe frowns and Beca sighs, looking up at the ceiling before back down to lock her eyes with Chloe's.

"I just mean that, uh, I don't _do_ emotions. That sounds bad, but it's true. It's not that I don't want to, because it seems like a really cool thing to experience, but I just, don't. I mean, I _can't_. Not romantically, anyway."

"You can't or you wont."

Beca doesn't look away when she replied. "Can't. I just don't feel romantic emotions. I never have." She pauses, taking her lower lip between her teeth and Chloe thinks she sees a hint of regret in Beca's eyes which makes her believe that Beca is being one hundred percent honest with her.

"Sexual attraction? Sure. Friendship? Yeah. Romance? Not so much. I've never had a crush, or like, the urge to date anyone." She waves her hand through the air as if the random array of movements would help to explain her point more. "I'm um, aromantic? Or that's what the Internet said, at least. I don't know if it's like, scientifically accurate or anything but it seems to fit."

Chloe is silent, but she nods because what Beca had said made sense. Beca smiles at her, before pushing herself off and continuing to get dressed.

Before she leaves, she turns back to Chloe. "If you don't want to continue this, I understand. But I do like you, a lot."

Chloe just nods as Beca leaves the room.

/

She does some research after Beca leaves, and she can sort of fathom how Beca feels. But it's sort of like the whole lonely thing, where she can see that Beca is clearly content with how her life is going, but to Chloe it seems like something is missing because she can't see herself being happy without the whole dating aspect.

Chloe is a very romantically driven person, and to have Beca in her life, who isn't at all inclined to ever have a romantic relationship? Well, it throws Chloe for a loop.

That doesn't stop her, though. She still meets up with Beca, to do their thing. And even though her heart breaks a little each time Beca kisses her chastely before getting dressed and heading off to whatever it is that she does after they get together, she doesn't complain. She understands, in a way, that this is something that Beca needs to do.

Understanding doesn't make it hurt any less, though. And understanding is what drives her to blurt out her feelings while Beca is kissing a wet trail down her neck.

"I think I'm in love with you."

Beca stops. Of course she stops. And it takes a minute for Chloe's brain to catch up with her mouth and when it does her eyes widen because she probably just really fucked up and she isn't ready for this little arrangement to end.

To her surprise, Beca just smiles. "I know."

"You're not…" Chloe frowns, "like, mad?"

Beca shakes her head, and Chloe nods but doesn't really get why Beca isn't totally freaking out right now.

"It's cool." Beca nods, smiling slightly. "I mean, you know that I like, I have my _thing_. But like, as long as you know that it's cool. If you're okay with continuing this then I am too."

Chloe nods, and Beca smiles again, rolling over to lay beside Chloe.

"I mean, I can't promise that I'll be everything you need, but if it makes any difference you're the only one I'm doing this with."

Chloe rolls over to face Beca, who does the same and then they're laying with their noses almost touching and Chloe searches Beca's eyes.

"I am?"

Beca hums. "I was being honest when I said what we do means something. It might not mean the same to me as it does to you, but it means _something_. I might not have romantic feelings for you, but I do feel something."

Chloe smiles.

"So what happens now?"

Beca shrugs, rolling away to sit up in bed and she begins searching for her clothes. "That's up to you. I mean, we can continue, or we can stop. You're still like, my best friend and I want you to be comfortable and whatever." She smirks over her shoulder as she puts on her bra. "You know where to find me."

Chloe nods. "Okay. "

/

It doesn't take long for Chloe to decide how she wants to proceed with her relationship with Beca Mitchell. They work out a balance, of sorts, and while Chloe knows that the butterflies she feels whenever Beca shoots her a glance during Bellas practice isn't what Beca feels when Chloe smiles at her, it still means something to know that she's special to Beca.

And as they are lying in bed, naked and sweating with breaths coming out in short puffs, Beca rolls over to kiss her chastely and Chloe thinks that maybe this is enough. It might kill her to see Beca leave each time, to hear Beca whisper in her ear that, "if I could be in love with anyone, I would be in love with you", she thinks that having Beca in the small doses that she does is better than not having Beca at all.

Because she might be in love with Beca Mitchell, and even though Beca doesn't feel that in the same way, she thinks that Beca Mitchell is in love with her too. It's just different.

Either way, she smiles as Beca leaves, closing the door behind her slowly as she always does, and she rolls over catching the scent of Beca on her sheets, and she thinks that while Beca Mitchell is an enigma, she's an enigma that loves Chloe as much as she can and Chloe is pleased that she's the one that got behind the walls that Beca has built up around herself.

And, for the record, Beca Mitchell is the best thing that's ever happened to her.


End file.
